Tuesday, February 1, 2011

one of those days

some days are days meant to be slept through.

cannot wait for graduation... 10 months and some days.

prague in 44 days. commencement in 131 days. hawaii in 132 days... and then summer after that. hopefully i won't melt.

Saturday, September 11, 2010


i'm officially on break, this last week and a half before school starts. at the moment, i'm sitting in seatac hoping that 80 minutes before flight feels shorter than it sounds. SO TIRED right now, going to take a nap in austin on a proper bed asap.

Saturday, September 4, 2010


...it sucks so hard!

perhaps this is a little simplistic, but it's also a nice summary of my feelings. an undergraduate degree (often plus masters or phd) is the stepping stone into a professional career, unless your desired career is not something that requires off-the-job training, and it also eats up about a third of your life, if you're done at 30. shocking, in my mind. a third! assuming that you're going to do the time at home as a dependent until roughly 18, plus or minus 2 or 3 years, that's an additional 12 years spent obtaining highly specialized training. let's round to 10, in case you're a genius and get your post doc work done super super fast. an entire decade spent immersed in academia, your head buried in the unique and strange universe of the university. what a mind fuck, huh? call me crazy, but it seems like that time might seriously warp your perspective on what the real world actually consists of, in a very permanent way. i know that when i'm actively involved in school, i read the paper less, i have far fewer non-school related conversations, my group of acquaintances narrows significantly, and in general my world shrinks down to a succession of classes, homework, grades, and school related drama and anxiety. i forget that this is not the majority of the world's experience, and that this isn't of penultimate importance.

what would i rather do with 10 years, if i could? go out and do some experiential learning. but, if i want the resources to have a nice house, a nice vehicle, a nice wardrobe, a nice retirement, then i need a nice job, and those all need that 10 year foundation. i'm too stubborn to lower my standards to just getting by, as that would certainly be possible for a high school graduate to do with the jobs they are qualified for, hell even if you dropped out of high school. just getting by doesn't interest me at all though, so i'll do my time, but be on the lookout for ways to reduce that without compromising on my passions.

yes, i am an introvert!

are you an introvert?, asks the very intelligent and totally awesome dr. emily nagoski.

go read this post immediately! if you are an introvert, you will have the sincere pleasure of having a complete stranger so eloquently describe the basis of your personality, and if you are an extrovert, you might gain a better understanding of the introverts in your life and will stop having all sorts of really unfortunate and unnecessary misunderstandings. once you're done reading it, link it to all of your friends, and let the world know that we aren't shy and anti-social, just wired a little bit differently. (also you should read everything else that's on the blog, especially if you are interested in learning more about female sexuality, relationship dynamics, and really fascinating science)

my first serious relationship crashed and burned in large part because he was an extrovert and for the life of him could not get why i felt hesitant to attend parties, outings, and other such events, and felt like it was a rejection of him. i would constantly tell him almost verbatim what the post so wonderfully, concisely, and clearly articulates: that social interaction is pleasant for me, but so, so, so exhausting (especially after a busy day of school and work), and definitely a tiring “physical experience”. he just didn’t get it, and much as my relationship with him deteriorated, so did the relationship with our mutual friends who didn’t understand why i disliked a constant stream of people in our shared living space. thankfully the situation has changed.

but i digress. go read it! now!

Sunday, August 8, 2010



my talisman of protection,
hanging heavy around my neck,
doesn’t do anything except:

fake me out,
fool me,
let me pretend.

but that’s good enough for me,
as long as i’m not musing
about my imminent fiery death.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

consumerism gush

carhartt waterproof jacket

3mm pink diamond nostril screw in rose gold by maria tash

catalina yacht, more sailing lessons...

many kinds of lovers

danae, klimt, 1907. from wiki: "danae was a popular subject in the early 1900’s for many artists; she was used as the quintessential symbol of divine love, and transcendence."


there once was a young woman
who thought that she was the One.
he thought she was Wrong.
she knew she was Right,
and became her own lover;
it was all much easier after that.


a common theme within the mystic traditions of many religions is finding the divine within yourself, the infinite and transcendent within the limited body and mind. these paradoxical qualities coexist within the soul, caught in sweet tension with each other. so maybe if we are loving ourselves, we are also loving beyond ourselves.